Saturday, January 29, 2011

Stress: Major and Boys

Time for another deep blog post! But probably a shorter one.
There are a couple of stresses in my life that I take upon myself to claim mine and not turn over to God. I’m a big stress-er but there are some things that it takes extra-long to turn over to God.
First – My major. You know the story by now of my grandma and stuff so I won’t torture you with it a second time. But for so long I felt that it was going to be me that would change my grandmother’s mind and me that made the decision and me that worked it all out. Then I realized how stupid I was. God will ultimately decide what I will do and who I will be and He, FAR before anyone else, will change my grandma’s mind and heart.
Second – BOYS. I, like any girl, spend my childhood dwelling on marrying a prince (probably Aladdin or Kyle, the cuter of the twins in my k5-4th grade classes) and planning my silly married life in a castle. As I’m older now, I instead dream of marrying Flynn Rider or Sokka (or Aladdin) and planning out the details of my wedding down to the ring, dress, flowers, location, and even footwear (I want to be barefoot or wear soft white slippers). But the man, despite my inclinations, will probably not be animated (or a Disney Prince). And I have a really hard time handing that over. I acknowledge that God is in control but it’s like I’m an annoying person following Him around to make sure He does His job right. “Oh, no. Not that one.” “Maybe you should try over here… Like maybe this one?” It’s stupidity.
Yet I can’t seem to manage to relinquish control of this.
I never really understood the concept of wrestling with yourself over something that needs to be given to God or refocused or whatever in my life until I really contemplated this today. So my current hope in life is to fully stop stressing over it and knowing that God will chose the perfect man who will be perfect for me and I will love. It’s going to be quite the process. And I will probably end up having to constantly remind myself.

Thursday, January 27, 2011


Alright, time for a DEEP blog post.
As, of course, all of you know, I want to major in theater. And, as you all know, my grandma is helping pay for school. Now, this is cause for drama (haha! Punny) in my life due to the fact that my grandmother is first, not saved, and second, wants me to major in something worthwhile (like Technical and Professional Communications or Chemistry). And she won’t let me bring Dumbledore (my car) to school. But that’s another story?
When I went home for Christmas break, there was some drama. She wanted to have a chat with me and discuss college and majors and stuff… And I wasn’t looking forward to it. And I think I am justified in that. We had a nice, semi-stressful chat over brunch (I got a cheese omelet and pancakes) and then went back to her house to talk about more college stuff. That’s when it got more stressful.
I want to major in theater (for various reasons that make up a whole different blog post that I should write sometime… Or did I already write it…). She kinda told me that I would end up not being able to get work with that and have to be a waitress instead. Which she then told me I wouldn’t be good at.
Hearing these things really hurt me and they hurt me deep. I was really torn up weather I should have been or not.
For a little while I considered taking a fifth year and double majoring in Theater and TPC which quickly became clear that it would be virtually impossible because theater EATS your time. There is always a set to be painted or costumes to be pulled or shirts to be ironed or sweeping… The work is never done.
But that was still stressing me out. So I decided to finish out the semester and just not worry about it. I would take Intro to Design and Intro to Tech and Stagecraft 1 like planned and not think about majors or next year’s classes until the time came to register for them. And I feel at peace with this choice.
But let’s backtrack a bit.
A couple of fantastically ironical things have happened to me. Prince Eric (the nickname is for another blog post), a theater major in my brother unit, is in the winter musical, Hello Dolly. He’s in the chorus and in quite a few scenes. In one of the scenes, he plays a waiter. The irony of him being a theater major yet also “being” a waiter made me laugh so hard! Also, I was sitting in Chapel waiting for it to start the other morning and I was told that I would make a good waitress because I’m fun and chatty…
And then tonight I realized something. I realized that my grandma doesn’t exactly know me (much less the Lord). Who is she to tell me that I can never become something? Who is any human to tell me what I am and am not capable of? My grandmother does not determine my future or my passions or my calling. So why am I letting it so seriously affect me? God will be faithful and provide for me if he calls me to theater. He alone will determine what I will and will not be. So while my grandmother may speak the truth in that very few people can make it in the theater biz, God has the last word on my role (haha! Punny) in it or if I will have a role in it at all.
Bottom line: God’s opinion alone should be the one that I let affect me.
<3 Emi

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Boys Like Girls?

So. Paul kinda made my life the other night. No, no. Not THAT Paul. The OTHER Paul. The dude who wrote Ephesians. In my Spifo class (Spiritual Formation) we have read through Ephesians about 5 times now. And I noticed the other night that he says in chapter 5 verses 31-32a “’For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This is a great mystery…” And I LAUGHED! I have LONG since wondered why on God’s green earth a man would want to forever be bound to a woman. And apparently, one of the great Bible writers doesn’t know either. :) It made me feel a bit better about my life.
Girls grow up watching the Disney princess movies and reading fairytales and we have it ground into our heads that we should find a man and get married and we have this very real sense of romance. But I don’t think boys watch Beauty and the Beast (ok, bad example. Whatever) and think to themselves “MAN! I want to grow up and learn to dance and eat soup properly so that I can make a girl fall in love with me so that we can get married and be in love…” I just don’t think it happens.
Boys, if you disagree with me, PLEASE tell me!
I just don’t think it works that way, though.
I did discover one thing, though, that I think helps explain why boys want to get married: they want to protect. Girls want to be protected and boys have this nature to protect. I don’t know how true this is, I don’t remember where it came from or why I thought of it, but I think it’s true. Just tonight I had a guy, Prince Eric, walk me back to my dorm. It was, like, midnight and my dorm was super far from the building we were leaving. So he walked me back. Though it’s probably because we’re friends, I wonder if that desire to protect played into it…
… I still don’t get why guys would ever want to get married or be in love.
I think I’m going to ask Prince Eric why tomorrow at lunch.
I’ll let you know how it goes.


Theater consumes your life.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Semi-Perfect Day

So. Today was just filled with smiles.
I walked out of my dorm and fell smack on my behind! And I was thankfully not hurt and was able to get right up and laugh it all off. :) It wasn’t terrible.
And then lunch was a crazy adventure of hangman and movie-planning and fun.
Then my test in Intro to Tech Theater went WAY better than expected!
And then I took a nap…
It was just one of those almost-perfect days.
And then I finished it off with and I think I like the second more. :)
So. That’s all for today.
<3 -Emi

Monday, January 24, 2011

Crazy Combo Post

I woke up to Narnia outside my dorm. But, sadly, I am not High Queen Emi so I was shoved back through the wardrobe into a reality where my boots are ripping and my feet get soaked when I walk through the slushy sidewalks. Go figure.
I did get a turtle in the mail, though. A cute, crocheted turtle. I have named him Ivan. 
Nothing is profound today so instead of something deep, you are getting my mini synopsis of this movie that Chiano, Alpie and I are making.
It’s based off of a piano piece that Chiano is practicing as of late. She invited Alpie and I to listen and we somehow came up with this whole story of a poor little girl who gets hanged at the end of the song. Quaint, right? Anyway. We videotaped Chiano playing while I threw out some random ideas for random pieces of the song. But it’s changing…
No longer is this a historic, small village tale of a little girl and an angry police officer/mafia dude but the tale of a frantic princess trying to save her poisoned father. Some sort of goblin and/or witch will have poisoned her father and offer her an “antidote.” It will eventually end with her father dying. Many of the finer details still need to be worked out.
But I think that this is just too short to be a sufficient blog post. So I will write about something else.
I just don’t know what to write about… Slacking.
I really shouldn’t slack this semester. Most of my classes are all textbook reading and stuff which is hard for me. Because I get distracted easily. Right now I should be studying for my Intro to Tech test tomorrow on lighting. Which just sounds RIVETING. :S Not my favorite aspect of tech. Anyway. I should stop slacking and get on that.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Getting to Know You

Let’s start this one with a song.
I know, right? Today, you’ll get to learn a little bit more about me.
Once upon a time, I was born at a very young age. I got a little older and decided that art was some fun stuff. I would write, dress up my American Girl dolls (I had one that looked like me that I named Rachel and Josephina), spent HOURS arranging and rearranging my American Girl Minis rooms… I guess that I’ve always been kind of an artistic soul. So life went on. In school, art classes were always my favorite. I spent my Senior year in high school taking 2-3 (or was it more) art classes per semester. When I got to college, I wanted to study art.
But things changed a bit in my first semester in college.
Amidst my 15 credit hours of general education classes, I somehow shifted my love from art to theater. Theater design, specifically. I think it was Earnest’s fault. You see, the fall play was The Importance of Being Earnest. I was attending not just for fun but because I was going to write a critique for my composition class. During the three acts, I paid close attention. I remember that Lady Bracknel, who is supposed to have a very large, loud presence, was dressed in a color far too similar to the set. She blended right in. I also remember this sort of awkward aqua blue during the outdoor second act that didn’t work quite right. (As of this time, I have asked the set designer who said that it was more of a mood choice rather than a sky choice. Which sort of makes sense but I wish that the aqua hadn’t been chosen. It just confused me.) And I remember the Kissing Chair. But I only remember that because I’m a massive dork. (If you don’t know what a kissing chair is, click the link ->
After voicing my opinions, a friend decided to plant the idea in my head that maybe I should do something with theater. And then it encompassed me.
So now I’m taking 3 theater classes and would like to declare a theater major. I just have to convince certain people that it wouldn’t be a dumb choice, first.
Anyway. I’m super thrilled to be having to buy plays and theater textbooks and the PEOPLE! OH! Theater majors are some of the fun-est, quirkiest, funniest, most entertaining people you can meet. And here they’re so nice! I helped out with costumes my first night. I handed out mens’ gloves and wrote their “owner’s” initials on pieces of tape and labeled them. The next day, quite a few guys recognized me around campus and waved and said hi.
I just love it.
So that’s a little bit more info so that you can get to know me. Hopefully, if someone out there actually reads this, I will get to know you as well. 

Saturday, January 22, 2011

LOTR, I Suppose

Lord of the Rings.
Yep. I’ve finally somehow given in to something and have watched the first one. I watched the extended edition over a course of two days. There are plans to watch the other two over the next two weekends.
Anyway. I can’t think of anything else to write about today (I’ve somehow decided that updating once a day is a goal…) I am going to give you my extensive list of things related and not related to LOTR.
First, I would totally be an elf. I wasn’t that impressed with Galadriel which is sad because she is supposed to be some Light Elf or something? I dunno. But me = light. I’ve got this kind of odd obsession with light, sunshine, etc. I didn’t think she was that pretty… Her hair was. And I liked her ring. But. I would totally be an elf. Rivendell… When God remakes the earth, I really hope He makes some sort of Rivendell. You know what? BRB. Mkay. Back. I went to go try and find a good Rivendell Wallpaper for my laptop. I found one but I need this guy to email me the file.
Second, I’m kind of traumatized from watching this film. I did watch it with two other people and apparently my comments affected them. One started hurting me when I would make comments and now they have decided that if/when we move to Middle Earth (not my decision, any of this) that one will marry Sam, the other will marry Frodo (because he has pretty eyes) and I will marry Gollum. What makes this worse is that in my Gen Psych class we just went over how people of similar attractiveness tend to get married. So I’m not sure if they’re calling me ugly in a subtle way what. But. Traumatized!
Third, I dunno. The movie was great, the costumes and scenery were gorgeous though the mountains made me homesick… “I want to see mountains again, Gandalf.” Some of the CGI or green screening or whatever was kind of badly/obviously done. But I’ll cut them some slack, I suppose.
Yeah. I’ve lost all drive to write. It’s 2:30 am, though. Don’t judge me.
Feel free to ask me questions.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Nightmares, Psychology, and Jami

A running joke, for lack of better classification, at my college is that you come to minor in Bible and major in marriage. And while not everyone who goes here gets their “ring before spring” and is at least engaged by graduation, many meet their mate. As I am now past my first semester and have fulfilled my goal of not dating during that time, a silly sort of franticness has set over me. Will I find “the one?” Will it be before senior year? Will it be before I’m 25? Does “the one” even exist? This last one haunts me the most. The fact that there may not be a soul on earth right now meant for me to share my life with…
Today in GenPsych we talked about what kind of people attract and get married. Similar “levels” of attractiveness, opposite personalities, etc. It sort of messed with my mind – should I be looking for someone who is as attractive/unattractive as me? And if so, do I go with my view of my attractiveness or what other people’s opinions are? Are they giving me their true opinions? Does the male population view me different than the female population that seems to assure me that I am pretty? And then what could I look for personality-wise? What is MY personality? How could someone’s differ from mine? Should I look for someone quiet since I seem to have grown rather outspoken in college or do I look for someone who can command a room because I’m still not very outgoing?
But this isn’t about my nightmares or psychology.
This is about Jami.
I know, right? I spend two lengthy paragraphs talking about boys and suddenly I’m talking about a girl. But you see, she’s not just any girl. She’s my best friend in the whole entire universe. And there’s something else: If one of us was male, we would totally get married. That may come off as creepy but I promise you that it’s not as weird as it sounds. We’ve talked about this. We just… I don’t even know what it is about her that makes us best friends or makes me love her so much (As a friend. We will never get married). But class today also made me remember this deep, great love for Jami and if I should look for someone like her to marry. Does that mean I’m throwing out the psychology? Does it alleviate some of my fear?
Thing is, I’m not sure.
So, for now, I have been advised by the beautiful Chiano to take my own advice and for now “Just Be.” And, given that I don’t have any other ideas, I’m gunna see how it works out for me. I guess I’ll post an update to this later.
P.S. A blog post without a perfect end?! GASP!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Just Be

So here’s my insight for today: Sometimes, you need to just BE.
Let me elaborate.
Life just sucks, sometimes. We set up all these things, we make all these plans and sometimes they just blow up in your face or turn around and reveal that they’re a black hole that sucks away all your money. I have a friend who had a black hole day today. She had managed to pass the test to test out of this class. So she went to the registrar’s office to get it all officialized and they told her that it would cost $450 (I think) per credit hour in order for it to be officialized. It’s a 3 credit class. That’s $1,350. College students just don’t have that kind of extra money. And something like that just smokes the rest of your day affecting every breath, every second, every fiber of your being. It’s not a fun time.
Tonight I got back to the dorm and she, smiling, told me she wanted to talk with me but to do this one assignment I had due at midnight first. So I did and went in to talk to her. This beautiful girl, bless her soul, is very good at masking her feelings (well… I think so, at least). She wanted to talk to me about it and stuff. So I sat there and talked with her. We didn’t have a dramatic cry-awkwardly-on-your-shoulder-while-I-awkwardly-pat-your-back time. We just talked. I sat there and talked to her like I always do and I made silly jokes about random things and misheard her and laughed at pretzels. I was myself; I wasn’t trying to be anything else. I didn’t have to try to do anything for her other than just… Be.
So, sometimes, in life… You just need to be there for someone. You shouldn’t shy away from it because it might be this whole awkward hoo-ha (my Intro to Theater Tech prof says “hoo-ha” a lot). You just need to accept that you are who you are and sometimes you are called to be in that awkward situation, but sometimes (or most of the times) you just need to BE there.
I hope I helped poke a little of my Emi-light into her life. And if I or you can do that for someone by just being… That’s a pretty fantastic impact for doing something as simple as being yourself.
“Don’t think, or judge. Just listen.”
Just Be.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Twilight in College

I’m a Twi-Hard. Make fun of me all you want, take all the shots, I don’t care. I love the books though I also love to make fun of them. But I try and keep up with the Twilight happenings. I only just recently got the chance to see Eclipse and I enjoyed it. Emmett’s response to Bella breaking her hand because she punched a werewolf… Definitely one of my favorite parts. But back on college campus, as I’m wandering around freaking out about do I double-major, do I major in TPC to make not only money but people happy, do I transfer to CCU to be closer to home and major in something they offer there… I thought back to the graduation speech in the movie given by Jessica. With my recent resolve to go on with my current semester and only worry about majors when class registration comes around again, I started to realize things. Things that Jessica says so well. I won’t post her speech here verbatim. I’ve edited out a couple words and added a few that I think help convey the tone she used when she delivered it.
“When we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Our answers were things like, astronauts, president... Or in my case, a princess. When we were ten, they asked again. We answered, a rock star, cowboy, or in my case, a gold medalist. But now that we're grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how about this. Who the heck knows? This isn't the time to make hard and fast decisions; this is a time to make mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere. Fall in love... A lot. Major in philosophy, because there's no possible way to make a career out of that. Change your mind, and change it again, because nothing's permanent. So, make as many mistakes as you can. That way, someday, when they ask what we want to be, we won't have to guess... we'll know.”
I’m starting to realize just how much comfort there is in those words. I’m only 18. I’ll be stuck with this major for the next fifty-some-odd years of my life. Why shouldn’t I be able to study one thing and then decide on another? Why can’t I take a couple years to choose random classes? Why can’t I? But… That question almost answers itself. Why can’t I? Well… Why can’t I not. Does that make sense? I’m feeling so restricted with the stress of double-majoring (which is made worse because theater becomes all-consuming of your life. If you have ever been in a play, you know what I mean.), the stress needing to make money, the stress of wanting to please people but also please myself and ultimately needing to please God… It’s a lot. But Jessica is so right in making mistakes, changing your mind… I’d rather spend two years soul-searching and then just know what I want to be than two years changing my major trying to please too many people.
So. While right now I’m reverting to my childhood dream of wanting to be an interior decorater (in the only way I can at this college), make-up artist, fashion designer, and (mostly) making people happy… I’d ask that I be free to make those choices, be they mistakes or a path towards a major that anyone thinks will dump me into a life as a waitress. It’s my life. My future is on my shoulders, not my grandmother’s or my father’s. I can only hope and pray that should God see fit to bless me with such a lovely major as Theater Design that he should also see fit to provide me with work there and to give patience and understanding to those who see it as a waste of a life.
For right now, though, I feel like the next right step is to do what I have decided; to not worry about a major until class registration rolls around again. I don’t want to say to myself “After a few decades, everyone you know will be dead. Problem Solved.” Maybe I’ll get to have Bella’s annoying monologue at the end of the movie (which I hate but paste here “This wasn't a choice between you and Jacob. It was between who I should be and who I am. I've always felt out of step. Like literally stumbling through my life. I've never felt normal, because I'm not normal, and I don't wanna be. I've had to face death and loss and pain in your world, but I've also never felt stronger, like more real, more myself, because it's my world too. It's where I belong.”) and decide who I should be according to God and how that falls into step with what other people want me to be.
Well, thanks for reading my ramblings. I hope that my love of Twilight can help you. Which is SO weird. But.
Thanks again,

P.S. The Fork’s high school colors in the movie are the same colors as my college; blue and yellow.