Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Hello, Again. I Like My Life.

So I CLEARLY fail at keeping up on blogs. It’s ridiculous. I mean, come on.
Anyway. I write to tell you that school is back in swing and the next play has started on its way. We open tomorrow night. Final dress rehearsal tonight. I’m sitting backstage with my laptop. And trying to not type too loudly.
We’re doing And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie. And even though I’ve only been working on costume crew for three days, I already know most of everyone on my crew and the cast… And I feel worthwhile again. I love how much I just… Click with this. I enjoy the hours and the atmosphere and the work and how it’s still so the same yet there are many differences. It’s so wonderful. I can’t wait until I have my own costume crew. And maybe someday I’d like to own a theatre.
So we all know I’m boycrazy. Far more than I care to admit. So I’ve been thinking lately about what my Future Husband will be like. What his major will be, how he’ll act, what he’ll look like… And I keep thinking that he’ll be a business or science (bio or chem, I think) major and be outgoing and friendly. Among other things. But then I think about my future and such and how I am slowly evolving and now that I’m back working on a show how my thinking seems to align… And I say that I’d like to run my own costume crew. That’s alright. I can do that, I suppose. Be underneath a director and be in charge of the crew. But. Owning a theatre… I’d love to do that. Pick the plays, have control… I don’t want to direct. At least, I don’t think so. I don’t know much about acting and I’m far too scatterbrained to be in charge of that much. I’d love to design for shows. But should I own my own theatre… I wouldn’t want to go it alone. I’d need a partner. A co-owner.
That is my life plan? Haha. I love live theatre. Maybe I’ll work on movie/tv show sets someday. But I really do love live theatre. There’s just something about it.
Ok. So. Someone onstage is bound to be about to die. So I should stop investing myself too deeply in this and just post it and get back to making sure no one comes offstage or goes onstage with their costume looking silly.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011


Once upon a time I had a baby girl. Her name was Gizmo and she was beautiful and loving and as perfect as could be. I loved that dog so much. My family got her when I was maybe three or four so I pretty much grew up with her. She was some sort of mutt. She had a bit of sheltie in her, but that’s about all we knew. We got her from the humane society. She was light brown and cream and dark dark brown. She was super soft and had these amazingly soft “fox” ears. I loved her. I specifically remember coming home sometimes and not knowing where anyone was. Gizmo, who was always right there to greet you, would lead me right to whoever I asked her too. I’d say “Giz, where’s mom?” and she’d walk right to my mom. She’d even stop every once and a while and look back to make sure I was following her.
She died my freshman year in high school. It was February or March. I don’t know exactly how or why. I don’t remember much. She was yelping and whining and in pain. She wasn’t using her back legs. I wasn’t really there for any of that. What I remember most clearly is my dad calling me downstairs and telling me Giz had died and hugging me while his voice choked. I thought it was a joke at first. I was right at the bottom of the stairs. I cried a bit. But then I went blank for two weeks when it suddenly hit me. I cried a whole lot the night that it actually hit me.
February and March that year were rough. Gizmo died, my great aunt Maudy died and something else traumatic happened though I can’t seem to remember what. I managed to be a space-case for about a month until in World History one day I realized I had no idea how we’d gotten from what we had been talking about to what the topic that day was. I’d totally blocked a month from my mind.
While Giz’s death was really hard on me, it was also really hard on my brother. Now, you have to understand this. My brother is a troubled, angry kid. He’s just that kind of person. He’s not cocky, he’s not a chess nerd. He’s angry. Not a delinquent. Not a vampire-wannabe. But angry… And he used to be really depressed. For example. Today he came home all in a rage about something. He was slamming things in the garage and I could hear it before he stepped foot in the house. Then he slammed doors and stomped and pounded down the stairs to the basement then came back up growling and gritting his teeth and slammed things together… Later he disappeared into the basement for a while and all I could think was “Please, God. Don’t let me hear a gunshot. Don’t let him kill himself.” I was really worried. I still am. But when Gizmo died, it really hurt him. He was really sad. He had been there for the whining and pain she went through. He was really affected by it.
These are just some of my memories about her and her death. I bring them up because today I went through some things in my room. I found her collar (the newer one that she only wore for a few years, not the one she wore for most of her life). But this collar had her dog tags. We’d had a little pouch on the collar that her tags went in so she never jangled when she ran around. But I kinda just sat there and cried. I have wanted to take her tags and somehow turn them into a necklace or something in order to remember her. And when I saw them today, I decided to actually do it. I am currently wearing her dog tag (just the dog tag. Not her rabies tags). I really want to keep it on. But I’m afraid that if my brother sees it, he will be furious. After all, he loved her too.
Anyway. That’s some random “spillage” from me for today.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Disjointed Ramble To Eloquent Epiphany

NOTE: Please, PLEASE read this through to the end. It's worth it, I think.

Owl City makes me want to write. I don’t know why. Maybe because he’s just so weird and the lyrics don’t exactly make much sense except they do… Maybe because my mind works in a very odd way. Who knows.
People naturally want to belong. Be accepted. Find their place in the world. They search and search and conform and change trying to fit in with certain people or make people like them. It’s never ending, it seems. And school just makes it worse. Kids try to fit in with their classmates and everything. And that continues for 12+ years of school. And then college. But college changes up the game a bit. At that point, you’ve pretty much found who you are. When you get to college you tweak a bit and finalize things and make those last shifts according to the new community. And then you declare a major and get to know others with the same major and be friends with them and eat lunch with them. It’s wonderful.
But when you get to college and it’s a bit of a bigger shift than average (like a homeschooler going to a big college or a public school kid going to a “Christ-centered learning environment” college) it makes refining the character you spent those 12+ years defining a bit more difficult.
I spent 5th grade to 12th grade at a public charter school (which basically means that we didn’t get a lot of funding). It was a shift from the private Christian school I had attended previously. And I spent those 8 years in public school floundering and struggling with my faith and swaying and solidifying my character. I went from not very committedly religious to getting baptized and joining a church. But all that time, I had become someone. The situations I was put in due to public school, the relationships I had formed me. I had created memories, done things I regretted, had my heart broken, been alone, found friends, switched friend groups, bloomed into a social butterfly so to speak, realized just how many people I knew. And most importantly, became comfortable with who I was.
When I left for college, I left behind everything I knew. I moved 5 BIG states away to a tiny Podunk town in the middle of cornfields. No joke. 1.1 square mile is this town. Well, village technically. But I left behind friends, family, love, respect, everything I had spent nearly 18 years building and finding and gathering. I knew one person at this new school. I didn’t realize it at the time but I would have to gain it all back.
I’m gunna stop right now.
And tell you all that this is nowhere near what I had planned for this blog post. I had planned to write about how I want to belong, how I want to declare a major and have a purpose… Maybe that will come.
Ok. Continue.
I probably only survived those first days, weeks and months at Cedarville because I didn’t realize that. Sure, it was rough. I wanted my mom to turn around and come pick me up. I cried myself to sleep a lot. But… I dunno. I survived.
I was put in a new environment. I was living in a hall with 18 other girls that I had never met before. I was at the bottom of the food chain again. I had to get used to new bathrooms, food, humidity (ew), living situations, relationships. I stuck close to the people I vaguely knew – girls who I had seen in my hall, girls who had introduced themselves to me, things like that. I ate lunch alone a lot, didn’t know where to sit in my classes…
I got to know new people. I sat with one girl who was in my hall but also in my Intro to Lit class. And through her, I got to know another girl who lived in my dorm. And now we’re pretty good friends. I got to know my neighbor really well. And she introduced me to her “breakfast buddy” that she got to know through eating breakfast at an absurdly early time in the morning. My little network of people grew a bit. And then I got to know people in my classes, my brother hall, more girls in my hall, etc. And it grew a little more.
And then I worked on Hello Dolly.
AHA! This is where I’ll put that bit from earlier in. ;)
Wait. Let me back up.
Through this entire networking process, I also wanted to declare a major. Just another way to network myself and get to know people and feel a sense of belonging. Somehow, I stumbled upon Theater. I think it was Prince Eric in my brother hall. Who knows. But it was a bit of interior design, fashion design, make-up, hair, being a princess… It was a bit of everything I wanted to do when I was a kid. It seemed perfect! I dove into my second semester with a couple of theater classes on my plate. One required me to work on one of the shows. I planned to work on Hello Dolly with Prince Eric. It didn’t work out that those hours would count for my class, but… That’s another blog post.
Suddenly, my hours were consumed with whip-stitching, ironing (and lots of it), hemming, and a blur of new faces. I got to know Molly and Holly and so many cast members. I felt… Justified, I guess. I was working toward something tangible. I was accomplishing something I felt was worthwhile. I was out of my little dorm room of a shell and networking. I was blooming. I was belonging.
Just read a couple of my previous blog posts to see exactly how I was doing during those weeks.
I got to know and love not only the people but the work, the atmosphere, the situations, the experience. I was there and actively participating! I was having a blast! But… I wasn’t a major. I wasn’t a minor. It wasn’t a hobby. I had very little history in theater. I had no way of justifying my being there. Everyone in authority in my life was telling me it wasn’t right or that I shouldn’t be a theater person or that I wouldn’t be good at it – that I needed something less all-consuming. I didn’t feel like I could, or should, belong. I was just there to meet requirements for a class (that didn’t work out) that I was taking to try on something that many people were telling me was foolish.
We all feel this need to belong. We all have this need to network ourselves and have relationships – friendships, significant others, family, a community that we belong to. And when you get to college, your major is one HUGE way that you do that. When I worked on Hello Dolly, often many of us would be eating transfer meals from the Hive in the hallway with cast members who were passing time before costume checks. I have a music major friend who often eats with other music majors. Sometimes I’ll have plans to eat lunch or dinner with her and then suddenly it becomes not just me and her but me and her and six random music majors that I don’t know. I think, through writing this, I have just realized why it bothers me so much. When I am eating with her and then suddenly there are so many other music people, she belongs. She understands their comments about various music professors, she understands the music lingo, she understands the certain community that comes with being a music major. I don’t. I don’t belong to that community. I’m not a part of that group. And I don’t have a major, a community, a group that I do belong to. I feel incomplete in my identity as a college student.
Major epiphany.
Haha, no pun intended.
Now I think that my secret resentment for them (them being my taco group made up of Pineapple, Mittens, and Alpie), my slight cold-shoulder treatment toward all three of them is because they belonged in a way that I didn’t. I was chalking it up to them being similar (in totally arbitrary ways) to the group of friends I had in high school that I left to random personality quirks. I knew in a way that I was the odd one in the bunch. Like the “which one of these is not like the other” puzzles you give to little kids. I was the one they were supposed to segregate out. I was the one that didn’t fit in with the rest. I knew that I did not belong in quite the same way as they did. I think it’s because of that.
I’ve only got a couple more of General Education classes left to take before I need to start taking classes relevant to my (non-existent) major. As that time grows closer, I was realizing more and more that I didn’t belong.
Now I just need to figure out where I belong. There’s a sever difference in loving the idea of something and actually loving that something. For example, I’d love to be the kind of sophisticated soul that loves tea. However, I actually hate the taste of tea. So I need to figure out if I love the idea of being a part of that elusive Theater Major community or if I actually love being a part of it. As of right now, given my current situation and my past with working on Hello Dolly and See How They Run, I really do think that I love being a part of the productions. Of seeing my name in the programs. Of seeing the jacket I hemmed the sleeves up ¼ inch (yep. It was INSANE. So tiny. And pointless in my opinion :P ) on an actor. Of being able to locate the parts of the set that I helped paint.
This started as a rather disjointed ramble and turned into a rather eloquent epiphany.
I think I am done for today.

Day 4 (version 2.0) and 5 and 6

Whoopsie! I guess I did day 4 twice.

Haha, I’ve TOTALLY fallen behind!
I think I’ve decided that April is NOT my month. Wait… March isn’t my month. April is just busy.

Days 4, 5, and 6.

Day 4 – A movie that makes you sad. Woah. Well… My heart breaks every time during Speak, Tristan and Isolde, and A Walk to Remember. Tristan and Isolde the most, probably. It lacks a very proper resolution. Unlike Speak and A Walk to Remember. They both find peace. Tristan and Isolde doesn’t have that.
(Edit: I like this one better of my two day 4 movie entries.)

Day 5 – Favorite love story in a movie. … Really? I’m a girl. I can’t pick that. Hmm… Love story. I think plenty of love stories are cute. But sometimes I just hate how they fall in love. Like… It happens too quickly or stupidly. So not Tangled or Twilight (I’m sorry. I ADORE Tangled but Rapunzel fell for Flynn in about 24 hours. That’s worse than Romeo and Juliet [the entirety of which takes place in about 72 hours]. I think it’s a wonderful story but not simply because of the love angle). Let’s see… Anastasia, Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, Ever After, Just Like Heaven, Stardust… That’s what I’ve got out of my own DVD collection off the top of my head. And I adore how quirky and awkward Flint and Sam’s romance is. Ever After is just sweet and true and adorable. Just Like Heaven is innocent and deep. Stardust… Possibly too mainstream. So you get animated (Cloudy With a Chance) and live action (Just Like Heaven takes the cake, I think).

Day 6 – Favorite made for TV movie. Oh, boy. I don’t know! Which ones were made for TV? You know, I don’t really know which ones were made for TV. So I’m going to go with favorite Disney Channel movie. Yes, I’m a dork and still watch Disney Channel (No, I am not some crazed Hannah Montana fan. That would be my 7 year old cousin). Well, we’ll go with best. Because that’s what I seem to remember sticking out. Jump In sticks out in my mind. (I looked up a list). I do enjoy the cheesiness of them.
But that was just a bad question for me.

Day 4 – A song that makes you sad. Well. Farewell by Yiruma can break my heart so quickly.
(Edit: I like the other post more out of both day 4 music entries.)

Day 5 – A song that reminds you of someone. I have a lot of those. Obsesion by Aventura reminds me of my best friend Jami. :) That’s a happy one.

Day 6 – A song that reminds you of somewhere. Well… I dunno? I don’t think I have one. Well, Ok. Fences by Paramore reminds me of the King Soopers that my brother used to work at. I had my headphones in one day while shopping or something and that song came on and I just broke out dancing like an idiot.

Yeah. There are those!! I’m such a visual person. I remember movies better than music… :P Oh well.
That’s it for now. I think.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Day 2 and 3 and 4

Day 2 and 3

Haha! I told you I’d fall behind and fail!!! :P
Ok. So. I’m gunna do… Maybe 5 today. We’ll see.

Movie: Most underrated movie.
Ooooh, hard one. Most underrated movie that I have seen? … WAIT. Neptune’s Daughter. It was made in the late 1940’s and it’s a WONDERFUL movie. You should watch it. ;P P.S. <3 RICARDO MONTALBAN.

Music: Your least favorite song.
Oh. Easy. Rebecca Black’s Friday. She gives me a whole new appreciation for Justin Beiber.

Day 3
Movie: A movie that makes you really happy.
Oh, wow. Tangled. It is my princess movie. :P Let me explain. Back home, my group of friends that I hung with in high school (they’re two years behind me) and I all picked Disney princesses to be. Danielle, my super awesome BFF cheerleading captain with the drummer boyfriend is Ariel, Liz is Cinderella, Summer is Jasmine, Danae is Belle, Chelsea is Aurora, and I… At first I was Mulan (but I’m not Asian or boyish or going to join the army… I wouldn’t mind Shang, though. (; ). Then the fairy godmother because I’m older than all of them and sort of… Well a fairy godmother to them. Then I was the magical “thing” in all their movies. Mushu, Fairy Godmother, the Genie, the 3 fairies in Sleeping Beauty, etc. Then when I heard Tangled was coming out, I claimed that one. I have fantastic hair. And it’s blonde. So I claimed Rapunzel. Now having seen it… I couldn’t be more Rapunzel. I love art, I have a strange attachment to the Sun and lights… And I want to marry Flynn Rider. So. It all works out.
Many others make me really happy. I love just about any Barbie movie (I adore the cheese), Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs is awesome, I adore the Hunchback of Notre Dame, and the list goes on.

Music: A song that makes you happy.
Go figure. Uhh… I dunno. Haha, I could be totally lame and say a song from Tangled. That would be ironicish. … Maybe… Maybe it’s just the simple lullaby that my best friend wrote for me. Or Clair De Lune. She would always play that for me.
WAIT! You Probably Shouldn’t Move Here by Five Iron Frenzy. It’s a song about Colorado. And I LOVE Colorado. Or Flashlight (The Cullen Song) by Eleventyseven. Trust me. Just listen to it.

Ok. Fine.

Day 4
Movie: A movie that makes you sad.
Go figure.
Uhh… A Walk to Remember. Tristian and Isolde. Speak. Of all of those… Probably A Walk to Remember?

Music: A song that makes you sad.
Woah. Saw that coming.
Love Hurts and Farewell by Yiruma. Trickling by SG Wannabe (it’s Korean. It was in the Korean Drama Cinderella Man which I loved. 16ish episodes. It was really good).

The next two are more interesting. So I’ll save those. :)

It’s 11:11!

An Old Proposal (Of Sorts)

I wrote this quite some time ago. Probably 3ish years. I was a delicate, changing creature.
It's a bit different from my bedtime stories but I hope you'll enjoy it in all of it's teenage, crazy, silly, cheesyness.
Here goes.

I heard the door click open.
"Hazel, wake up!" Valery called. "Hazel!"
I stirred lightly from my warm and comfy resting spot on the couch. "Go away," I called. Snuggling back down in my make-shift bed, I sighed, still enjoying the warmth and very much wanting to go back to my dream. It had been something about Ian, hot rocks and I think a cave behind a waterfall. I'm not too great at remembering my dreams.
I had just closed my eyes and gotten comfortable when Val yelled at me again. "Hazel, come on!" She was practically right next to me. The door clicked shut. Odd. That door had to be pushed shut and Val was too close to me to have just shut it.
"Val, who else is here?"
"Aurora, Damian and Brice. We're going to the beach today, remember?"
That woke me up. "What?!" There were four people in my apartment with me asleep on the couch? Crud! "Val! Why didn't you tell me?"
"Well, I tired to," she said, pulling back my blanket. "But you were too insistent on sleeping!"
"When was this plan even decided?"
"It was Damian's idea," Val said.
He popped into my vision. "Sorry. I wanted it to be just us but somehow word got out," he took a moment to glare at his sister, "and once Val decided to come along Brice was right on board and Ash thought volleyball sounded like fun."
"Well, fine. But can you all get out while I get ready?"
Everyone filed out reluctantly except Val.
"What bathing suit are you gunna wear, Hazel? Ooh, are you gunna take a shovel and bucket so you and Damian can build a sand castle? That would be so romantic."
I let Val continue her talking while I dug around in my closet for my swimsuits. There was that cute one-piece. And the electric blue bikini Val had bought me. As I searched, my mind went back to my dream. What had I been wearing in that dream anyway? I thought hard, trying to will my mind to focus on a minute detail that it had come up with. Green. That was it. A deep green bikini that matched Ian's eyes. It had a large leafy pattern on it. Too bad I didn't have that bikini. Ian would have liked that one.
"Hey," I called to Val who was still rambling on about something, maybe Brice. "Help me choose a swimsuit."
"Huh? Oh, sure."
She didn't even seem the slightest bit offended that I'd interrupted her.
"Why don't you wear the one Aurora and I got you?"
"What?" This was news to me. "You and Ash got me a swimsuit?"
"Yeah. She said something about today being special and you'd want to look your best."
Val shrugged but pulled a suit out of her beach bag and handed it to me. It was deep red in color with a tiny, delicate floral pattern stitched in silver thread. The top had a scoop neck gathered in the middle by a silver O but was still a halter and the bottom was plain except for the matching silver O that joined it on the left side. Not nearly as pretty as the one in my dream but still very pretty.
"Do you like it? I helped Aurora pick it out."
"It's beautiful! I love it. Thanks so much."
"Well, go put it on!"
I yanked a white cover-up dress out of the pile I'd made and ran into my bathroom. A few minutes later I walked out, my hair up in a ponytail and my make-up kept to a minimum. I spun around, modeling the suit for Val.
"What do you think?"
"Darling, you look stunning!"
"Thanks! You guys did a great job picking this out!" The top was a bit shorter than I would have liked but it did look fantastic. I quickly threw the white tube top cover-up on over the suit and grabbed my beach bag (that did indeed have some buckets and shovels for making sand castles). "Let's go!"
Twenty minutes later we were all set up t the beach: We had three umbrellas, five towels laid out on the sand and 3 beach bags. Ian and Brice had brought towels but not much else. I sat back on my towel and watched Val, Ash, and Brice make a bee-line for the waves. Val was wearing a white bikini with splashes of all sorts of random colors while Ash was wearing a black one-piece halter with big circles takes out of both sides. There were silver rings at the center in the front and at the bottom of both the side cut-outs. Brice was wearing blue trunks with black stripes down the sides while Ian was wearing brown trunks with white flares with brown leaves on the sides. I turned to him to say something but his muscular back was to me though he was looking over his shoulder and holding a bottle of sunscreen out to me.
"Do you mind?"
"Uhh," I faltered. "Sure."
I shook off my jitters and squeezed some sun block onto my hand and began to rub it into his muscled back. Starting in the middle, I worked my way down his back and found a tiny tattoo on his right hip, just above the waistband of his shorts. It was a small and simple cross.
"How," I stumbled over my own words. "How long have you had this?" I pressed the cross lightly to indicate what I was talking about.
"The cross? I got that on my 18th birthday. Partly because I wanted the tattoo and partly to spite my parents."
"Huh." I smiled. Nice sentiment he had going there.
I finished rubbing the sunscreen into his shoulders before I smacked his back. "Done."
"Thanks." He turned around and smiled. "Want me to do yours?"
"There's not much skin showing. Besides, I need a tan."
I eyed the tattoo on his left pectoral. That one I knew about. The strange oval with 5 beads of color circling inside. Black, red, white, green and gold. I smiled at the meaning of it.
"Hey, wanna build a sand castle?"

I’d had her ring, of course, custom made. The engagement ring was a mass of intricate spires done in fine silver that together looked almost like a hazelnut flower (though flatter) or an artistic, silver sun though it was no larger than dime. The spires tapered down into two separate silver bands at the bottom. A small, round diamond on a simple silver band made up the center of the wedding ring, though the two could be put together and taken apart so that the simple diamond band would be her wedding ring. That is, if she would have me.
The spires were so intricate because I’d requested them that way: I wanted to have the ring made into a key for a music box. The music box maker had been very helpful and willing to try, he’d never tried to make a ring a key. He’d toiled though and finally called me in to show it to me. All I needed now was a song. Smiling, I handed him the sheet music for (Swing Life Away by Rise Against, the song Haze wanted played at her wedding) a lullaby that Ash had written for her. A few days later he called me in and showed me the box, done in silver with many swirls and white and grey gemstone beads of many shades strung on randomly. And, of course, the lock for the ring key. I wound it up, fit the key in, unlocked and listened as tiny plinks sounded out the song. After thanking the man profusely for all his hard work and paying the large sum that could keep Ash in school for well over a semester, I set off to my trip to the beach with Haze, Ash and Val.
With the extra key the box-maker had given me, I unlocked the box and set it down to play on the beach towel while Hazel, with her back turned, applied sun block. Hearing the (familiar) tune, she turned. Mouth open, ready to ask a question, no doubt, Hazel was a girl with an agenda when she saw the box. Stunned into silence, she looked from my laying body to the box and back again. “This is (my favorite song) beautiful,” she finally whispered softly, not wanting to disrupt the tune.
“I know.”
“And the box,” she still whispered. “It’s so beautiful.”
Haze waited and listened as the song continued to plink itself out, eyes fixed on the box the entire time. When the song ended, Haze had another question ready. “Is this for me? The date, the song… Did you do all this for me?”
I knew she was only talking about the situation, too modest to voice her burning curiosity about the box’s intended owner. Still, I had to make her say it. “Yes. Though Ash, Val and Brice tagging along wasn’t part of the original plan. But yes, this whole outing is all for you.”
She apparently had to know, modest or not. “And the music box?”
I sat up and stared into her eyes, causing her to sit back a bit in an attempt to avoid the intensity. “Yours. On one condition.”
Always cautious, Haze had more questions ready instead of agreeing unconditionally as I knew she would. “What?”
“Marry me,” I whispered, adverting my eyes, finally shying back myself.
Hazel’s jaw dropped and, like the intruders they were, Ash and Val ran up and dropped themselves onto two of the five towels, Brice not far behind.
“The waves,” Ash panted “are awesome.”
“Fan-tastic,” Val agreed, the single word sounding more like two.
Brice smilingly observed the scene.
Hazel’s mouth remained open and her eyes stayed fixed on the music box and the ring in my hand.
My head whipped around to catch Ash’s eyes and strongly direct her away. She finally got it and started to suggest that we leave but not before Val could get a word in edgewise.
“Hey, why does Ian have a silver hazelnut flower?”
Everyone was silent. I hadn’t been sure that anyone would be able to tell what my inspiration had been for the ring design. I guess Val did her botany homework.
“It’s a hazelnut flower” Haze half asked, half stated as if she had to get used to the idea and saying it out loud would help.
My attention immediately turned back to Haze, afraid to throw the delicate situation off balance. I was also very afraid of hurting her in any way. “Yes,” I answered, ignoring Val’s question (them both quietly).
“But Hazel always hates it when I buy her hazel-anything.”
Ash, as if reading my mind, punched Val in the arm. I bit back a smile.
“The sentiment of this one is a bit more sever, Val,” Hazel whispered, still in awe.
Full attention on Haze, I opened my mouth to apologize and attempt to make amends for my brash proposal. However, Valery, who obviously had a death wish or something today, opened her mouth again.
“What could be more sentimental than a Christmas-Birthday present?”
“He just proposed,” Ash whispered harshly in Val’s ear.
“Maybe we should leave them alone for a bit,” Brice spoke up. Bless his soul. He was probably the only one who could drag Val away from her best friend receiving a wedding proposal.
They walked away and Haze’s eyes had still yet to leave the box and ring. “Haze,” I put the ring away and put my face in her line of sight. “Haze, please say something. Say you hate me or that you want me to leave the music box and walk away myself. Just say something.”
“Why,” Haze swallowed back her whisper before finishing her sentence. “Why on earth would I say something like that to you?” Her eyes looked deep into mine with an intensity that made me feel completely known to her. “Why on earth would I tell you off when you have just done something so sweet and so thoughtful for me?”
I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to feel.
“I’d say yes even without the music box. Even without this whole event planned for me. It means a lot, yes. But it doesn’t mean more than you.” Hazel said. “It couldn’t mean more than you. The only thing I’m wondering is ‘why me,’ and ‘do you really mean it.’ (But for the one question, I have one answer.)”
I looked at Hazel shocked myself. I wanted to say something but there weren’t words. Instead, I hugged her. Hugged her tight and hugged her close. “You, Hazel Lynn Albred, are beautiful and strong and warm and accepting and so many other things that I can’t name because there aren’t names for them and that is why you. And of course I mean it. I wouldn’t be here asking you if I didn’t. There is no joke crueler and I would hope that I would never be so cruel as to play it on anyone, especially not you. Haze, I want to cheese-ily and clichĂ©-ily spend the rest of my life with you. And there are no other words to express that desire.”
“Then yes,” she answered my question. “Of course I’ll marry you.”
I was sure she had said the second sentence just to say it and hear the words out loud but it didn’t matter. I was engaged to a beautiful girl and it had gone no where near as planned but wonderful all the same. She held out her left hand and I finally took off the ring that I had accidentally run away with what seemed like so long ago and replaced it with the silver spires of Hazel’s engagement ring. I leaned over to hug her once more, deftly shutting the music box while I did so.
“You’re music box,” I presented it to her, pulling away. “My fiancĂ©.”
Smiling, she also covered a blush while taking it from my hands. After fiddling with it for a few moments, she finally asked me, frustrated how on earth she was supposed to open it (the darn thing). I took her hand and knowingly slipped the ring into the key-hole, twisted slightly and it popped open. Haze gasped.
“You,” she accused “went through all the trouble, time, and money to get a music box that this ring would open?”
I guess she wasn’t quite used to the idea of the ring being hers.
“Of course. But it was worth it.” I smirked and watched her. “This, your reaction, is priceless.”
She reached over and hit my shoulder playfully. “You jerk!”
I reacted the only way I could. Rising, I nudged her knee with my foot and raced off towards the others in the splashing waves, Haze not far behind.

… And then Haze gets a terrible sunburn. : P !!!!!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Music And Movie Challenges: Day 1

Day 01-The best movie you saw during the last year.
Oh boy. So many good movies! Despicable Me and Tangled and Karate Kid… I’m going to have to say that I am going to keep this to the best movie I saw in theaters during the last year because I watched too many movies to pick. And by year I mean the last 365.25 days. So from 30th March 2010 to present (30th March 2011).
According to the ticket stubs I saw:
How to Train Your Dragon (x2)
Karate Kid
Despicable Me
The Last Airbender
The Sorcerer’s Apprentice
Toy Story 3
Step Up 3
Tangled (x2)
Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader
And I totally also saw Harry Potter 7 (Part 1). But I don’t know where the ticket stub for that one is. But that was one AWESOME movie experience. My best friend and I… We’re awesome. It was epic. Trust me.
Now. Going from that list... Best overall movie… Ugg. I can’t pick. Please don’t make me. How to Train Your Dragon was awesome! Karate Kid was GREAT!! Despicable Me was pretty sweet. And Tangled was FANTASTIC. Probably a tie between Karate Kid and Tangled. Yeah. Let’s go with that.

Day 01-Your favorite song
Ugg. I’m so bad at this favorites thing.
I’m VERY fond of Pretend (Reprise) by Lights. It HAS to be the reprise, though! I prefer the simplicity of just the piano and her voice to the tricked out, electronica version.
I also love Not Alone by Darren Criss.
Five Iron Frenzy is amazing. I love You Can’t Handle This and World Without End currently.
If by House Of Heroes.
The First Star by Eddplant.
Talking to the Moon by Bruno Mars.
Learn To Do It (Waltz Reprise) from Anastasia.
Ok. I could go on and on. So. We’re going to go with Pretend (Reprise) by Lights. I’ve known it the longest and I still adore the song. It’s amazing.

Just know that with me, favorites are subject for change all the time. Usually there is a whole list of things that I like but at certain moments, I will prefer one over the other. Right now, Farewell by Yiruma is beautiful. And I don’t exactly want either of the FIF songs I mentioned.
I’m so change-y.
That’s it for today!

The Two 30 Day Challenges

So I’m gunna totally do these two stupid things that have been going on Facebook. But I don’t want to clutter up my Facebook. And no one reads my Twitter. And my poor blog needs love.
I figure that I’ll try to do one a day during April. But I’ll start now because heaven knows that I’ll fall behind at some point. Especially since See How They Run opens in just over a week.

They are:
The 30 Day Movie Challenge

Day 01- The best movie you saw during the last year
Day 02 – The most underrated movie
Day 03 – A movie that makes you really happy
Day 04 – A movie that makes you sad
Day 05 – Favorite love story in a movie
Day 06 – Favorite made for TV movie
Day 07 – The most surprising plot twist or ending
Day 08 – A movie that you’ve seen countless times
Day 09 – A movie with the best soundtrack
Day 10 – Favorite classic movie
Day 11 – A movie that changed your opinion about something
Day 12 – A movie that you hate
Day 13 – A movie that is a guilty pleasure
Day 14 – A movie that no one would expect you to love
Day 15 – A character who you can relate to the most
Day 16 – A movie that you used to love but now hate
Day 17 – A movie that disappointed you the most
Day 18 – A movie that you wish more people would’ve seen
Day 19 – Favorite movie based on a book/comic/etc.
Day 20 – Favorite movie from your favorite actor/actress
Day 21 – Favorite action movie
Day 22 – Favorite documentary
Day 23 – Favorite animation
Day 24 – That one awesome movie idea that still hasn’t been done yet
Day 25 – The most hilarious movie you’ve ever seen
Day 26 – A movie that you love but everyone else hates
Day 27 – A movie that you wish you had seen in theaters
Day 28 – Favorite movie from your favorite director
Day 29 – A movie from your childhood
Day 30 – Your favorite movie of all time

The 30 Day Song Challenge
Day 01 – Your favorite song
Day 02 – Your least favorite song
Day 03 – A song that makes you happy
Day 04 – A song that makes you sad
Day 05 – A song that reminds you of someone
Day 06 – A song that reminds of you of somewhere
Day 07 – A song that reminds you of a certain event
Day 08 – A song that you know all the words to
Day 09 – A song that you can dance to
Day 10 – A song that makes you fall asleep
Day 11 – A song from your favorite band
Day 12 – A song from a band you hate
Day 13 – A song that is a guilty pleasure
Day 14 – A song that no one would expect you to love
Day 15 – A song that describes you
Day 16 – A song that you used to love but now hate
Day 17 – A song that you hear often on the radio
Day 18 – A song that you wish you heard on the radio
Day 19 – A song from your favorite album
Day 20 – A song that you listen to when you’re angry
Day 21 – A song that you listen to when you’re happy
Day 22 – A song that you listen to when you’re sad
Day 23 – A song that you want to play at your wedding
Day 24 – A song that you want to play at your funeral
Day 25 – A song that makes you laugh
Day 26 – A song that you can play on an instrument
Day 27 – A song that you wish you could play
Day 28 – A song that makes you feel guilty
Day 29 – A song from your childhood
Day 30 – Your favorite song at this time last year

P.S. Today is my mommy's birthday!!!!! :D

Sunday, March 6, 2011


I’m going crazy.
I really want to talk to my best friends right now but it seems like when I do get some time to talk with them, there is just too much to talk about and what I really want to talk about gets forgotten (by me, I mean. I’m serious). I just… I am so missing these people and I’d really love to have a chance to sit down and talk about all that I want to. I want to talk to someone who knows me really, really well about my future. I want to ask them if they really think that I would enjoy working in a theater and if I am being stupid and stubborn wanting to be a theater design major and I want to admit that I’m truly terrified that I won’t ever find a… Well, a husband. And I want to just pour my heart out in a way that, somehow, I can’t with the people at college. I’m thinking it’s the whole known-me-forever thing.
It’s hard in a way that I never anticipated. Just not having those friends that have known me forever around me… I know that I have good friends in college who love me and care. But they weren’t with me from when I was 2…
Anyway. I’m at Haylie’s house for Spring Break.
And she’s asleep.
But I wanted to get something up.

Friday, February 18, 2011

A Bit Of Deepness

I feel like sometimes I am quick to let my insanity and craziness and humor totally eclipse the serious side of me (which I promise exists). It just feels safer to me to make a joke out of everything than to break down walls and let people in and reveal my true desires in life that could be laughed off or made fun of by others.
Lately, I’ve been having lengthy and lovely deep chats with the lovely Chiano. We’ve talked about lots of things – our childhoods, friends, weird analogies (we’re all painters and only God can clean our brushes…). But even so, I still insert jokes and don’t take some things as seriously as I should. I am too quick to run away from deep subjects and serious conversations. And they have their place.
So today I’m gunna open up a little. I guess.
I’ve got these Taco friends.
The name started one day when they went to give me a tackle hug. I misheard (as I often do which makes for some humorous conversations and situations) it as taco and thus said “I feel like beef” while wrapped up in their hug. So now I’m beef, Chiano is goat cheese, Haybiday is taco sauce and Alpie is guacamole.
So these Taco friends and I have taken to all eating dinner together lately. Somehow they think I am funny and I often make Alpie laugh so hard that she can’t breathe or she chokes on her food. But they all seem to enjoy my funny, frantic antics and laugh a lot when they’re around me. But they’ve gotten to know me and enjoy my humor and like me.
I can’t seem to pinpoint what makes me funny or what they think about me is funny. And if I can’t do that then I can’t reproduce it. Which worries me. I want to make people laugh and smile and add joy and laughter to the world but if I can’t figure out how I do that then… Well… I fail in my own eyes, I guess.
But. I have this bigger dream that sort of ties into this. I really want to make it into the entertainment world. I want to work in a theater or on a kids TV show (like iCarly. I LOVE iCarly). I want to get into this very perverse place in the world and start to change part of it by getting to personally know the people who work in it. So being able to be someone that people enjoy being around but also being funny in a very pure way when the humor in that area tends to be very perverse is my desire.
I also have this silly side dream where I marry Nathan Kress.
See? I did it again. I opened up and then interjected with a tidbit of what I hope is humorous to apologize, I guess, for placing my burden on you.
Which almost seguay’s beautifully into my next deep topic for today.
I’m having issues with love. Haha, no. There’s no man in my life. :) But there a deep need in my life to re-evaluate my definition of love. Because this awkward romantic notion that I am dwelling so much on is not it. I’ve been bombarded with love this week. Valentine’s day was Monday, Tuesday we had a chapel speaker give his whole message on channeling God’s love through us to other people, today’s (Friday’s) chapel was on love again. And I’m just feeling so incredibly ignorant in knowing how/why God loves me.
A bit of deepness for you! :)
Till next time, I guess.
<3 Emi

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

It's Over! + Bloopers

Hello Dolly is finally over!! I sad to see it go, though. I’m gunna miss the show and the people and the fun times and the hustle and bustle of it. But I’m also really happy to get part of my life back. I don’t regret a single one of the 108 hours I spent on that show.
If you’ve ever worked on a production (but if you haven’t, I’m sure you can imagine), you know just how many things need to go right in order for it to work. But there are also so many things that can go wrong. And we had a couple…
One night, the instruments were in their cases, not put together and on the table like they should be. So we had to scramble to put together clarinets and flutes and get the trumpets out. It was a mad dash.
Right before the waltz, the elastic in one of the girls’ bloomers snapped. Her poor waltz partner was trying to keep them from falling down and in the process probably gave the audience the wrong idea.
We broke a couple of plates. A cord got wrapped around a table leg and ended up tipping the table and all of the plates on it. Whoops.
Dolly had a costume malfunction on stage right during the very final scene. Her bustle came untied and fell out from under her dress. She was laughing so hard that she couldn’t sing all the right words.
We had confetti cannons to go off during curtain call. Often only one of the two would actually fire which was a bummer.
My personal blunder was putting one of the waiter’s shoes on the wrong feet during the short, short quick-change we did on him. Poor guy.
Anyway, that’s a bit of news from behind the scenes. I’ll hopefully be writing more for you to read, my devoted audience (sarcasm because I have, like, 2 readers).

Saturday, February 5, 2011

"All The World's A Stage..."

I don’t know how many of you have ever been part of a play but it’s an incredible experience. Especially all the backstage work. There are a group of people on the com system talking and giving cues and warnings, the people up in lighting doing follow-spotlights and turning others on and off, the people turning microphones on and off, the running crew that move set pieces and props, people off-stage helping with quick changes (I do a bit of that) and helping with other changes (I do a bit of that too), the actors on stage both big and small… The list goes on and on. It takes so many people to create this beautiful, flowing, glimpse of a created reality. You’ve seen the lists and lists of names in play programs and movie credits that give the hair and make-up people their dues. It takes a massive amount of effort to create life.
Working on Hello Dolly really threw that into perspective for me. It’s been hectic and we’ve broken things and messed stuff up and lost people’s pants… But it made me really think. God choreographed, if you will, this huge, monumental production. He cast all the roles (and perfectly, I might add), did all the staging, knows how everyone should do their hair (or if they even should), did some incredible, awesome lighting effects, the list goes on and on. It gives me this whole new appreciation for theater, yes, but far more awe at how amazing God is.
Also, I have an update (which I feel I can post here partly because so few people read my blog). Rachel and I had this long, 4 hour chat last night/early this morning about everything and nothing. But God sort of revealed to me what I need to do before declaring a Theater major. What I need to do is write to my grandma explaining to her why I want to do theater and not leave anything out (like God). So I’ll be working on that soon, I hope. I want to get that sent.
P.S. I’ve been getting back to my dorm super late so that’s why blog posts have been scarce. But we have one more weekend of the show, so. Things will be semi back to normal soon.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Perfectly Busy

We're doing Hello Dolly for the winter musical and I'm on Men's chorus duty. Smelly, exciting and perfect.
I won't go into the details of it now (it's 3:45am. I got back to my dorm 30 minutes ago and since then I have put on PJs, gotten water, brushed my teeth... And that's about it) but somehow it is this beautiful, busy whirlwind of love and perfection for my life. I love it so much!
I do miss hanging out with everyone though. Classes have been canceled for today (technically speaking) but the costume heads are opening shop at 10am. I was hoping to spend time with friends and go in to the previously scheduled 4:30 shop.
Such is the way of the theater.
P.S. Friends?

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Ice Knight?

So. We got an ice storm. It basically rained water that super-froze to ice/slush when it hit something.
Walking back to my dorm at 3am (Theater really does eat your life. I was in my dorm by 3:15) was DANGEROUS!
But the ever-chivalrous Prince Eric walked all 5 girls back to their dorms. :) Good night.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Stress: Major and Boys

Time for another deep blog post! But probably a shorter one.
There are a couple of stresses in my life that I take upon myself to claim mine and not turn over to God. I’m a big stress-er but there are some things that it takes extra-long to turn over to God.
First – My major. You know the story by now of my grandma and stuff so I won’t torture you with it a second time. But for so long I felt that it was going to be me that would change my grandmother’s mind and me that made the decision and me that worked it all out. Then I realized how stupid I was. God will ultimately decide what I will do and who I will be and He, FAR before anyone else, will change my grandma’s mind and heart.
Second – BOYS. I, like any girl, spend my childhood dwelling on marrying a prince (probably Aladdin or Kyle, the cuter of the twins in my k5-4th grade classes) and planning my silly married life in a castle. As I’m older now, I instead dream of marrying Flynn Rider or Sokka (or Aladdin) and planning out the details of my wedding down to the ring, dress, flowers, location, and even footwear (I want to be barefoot or wear soft white slippers). But the man, despite my inclinations, will probably not be animated (or a Disney Prince). And I have a really hard time handing that over. I acknowledge that God is in control but it’s like I’m an annoying person following Him around to make sure He does His job right. “Oh, no. Not that one.” “Maybe you should try over here… Like maybe this one?” It’s stupidity.
Yet I can’t seem to manage to relinquish control of this.
I never really understood the concept of wrestling with yourself over something that needs to be given to God or refocused or whatever in my life until I really contemplated this today. So my current hope in life is to fully stop stressing over it and knowing that God will chose the perfect man who will be perfect for me and I will love. It’s going to be quite the process. And I will probably end up having to constantly remind myself.

Thursday, January 27, 2011


Alright, time for a DEEP blog post.
As, of course, all of you know, I want to major in theater. And, as you all know, my grandma is helping pay for school. Now, this is cause for drama (haha! Punny) in my life due to the fact that my grandmother is first, not saved, and second, wants me to major in something worthwhile (like Technical and Professional Communications or Chemistry). And she won’t let me bring Dumbledore (my car) to school. But that’s another story?
When I went home for Christmas break, there was some drama. She wanted to have a chat with me and discuss college and majors and stuff… And I wasn’t looking forward to it. And I think I am justified in that. We had a nice, semi-stressful chat over brunch (I got a cheese omelet and pancakes) and then went back to her house to talk about more college stuff. That’s when it got more stressful.
I want to major in theater (for various reasons that make up a whole different blog post that I should write sometime… Or did I already write it…). She kinda told me that I would end up not being able to get work with that and have to be a waitress instead. Which she then told me I wouldn’t be good at.
Hearing these things really hurt me and they hurt me deep. I was really torn up weather I should have been or not.
For a little while I considered taking a fifth year and double majoring in Theater and TPC which quickly became clear that it would be virtually impossible because theater EATS your time. There is always a set to be painted or costumes to be pulled or shirts to be ironed or sweeping… The work is never done.
But that was still stressing me out. So I decided to finish out the semester and just not worry about it. I would take Intro to Design and Intro to Tech and Stagecraft 1 like planned and not think about majors or next year’s classes until the time came to register for them. And I feel at peace with this choice.
But let’s backtrack a bit.
A couple of fantastically ironical things have happened to me. Prince Eric (the nickname is for another blog post), a theater major in my brother unit, is in the winter musical, Hello Dolly. He’s in the chorus and in quite a few scenes. In one of the scenes, he plays a waiter. The irony of him being a theater major yet also “being” a waiter made me laugh so hard! Also, I was sitting in Chapel waiting for it to start the other morning and I was told that I would make a good waitress because I’m fun and chatty…
And then tonight I realized something. I realized that my grandma doesn’t exactly know me (much less the Lord). Who is she to tell me that I can never become something? Who is any human to tell me what I am and am not capable of? My grandmother does not determine my future or my passions or my calling. So why am I letting it so seriously affect me? God will be faithful and provide for me if he calls me to theater. He alone will determine what I will and will not be. So while my grandmother may speak the truth in that very few people can make it in the theater biz, God has the last word on my role (haha! Punny) in it or if I will have a role in it at all.
Bottom line: God’s opinion alone should be the one that I let affect me.
<3 Emi

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Boys Like Girls?

So. Paul kinda made my life the other night. No, no. Not THAT Paul. The OTHER Paul. The dude who wrote Ephesians. In my Spifo class (Spiritual Formation) we have read through Ephesians about 5 times now. And I noticed the other night that he says in chapter 5 verses 31-32a “’For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This is a great mystery…” And I LAUGHED! I have LONG since wondered why on God’s green earth a man would want to forever be bound to a woman. And apparently, one of the great Bible writers doesn’t know either. :) It made me feel a bit better about my life.
Girls grow up watching the Disney princess movies and reading fairytales and we have it ground into our heads that we should find a man and get married and we have this very real sense of romance. But I don’t think boys watch Beauty and the Beast (ok, bad example. Whatever) and think to themselves “MAN! I want to grow up and learn to dance and eat soup properly so that I can make a girl fall in love with me so that we can get married and be in love…” I just don’t think it happens.
Boys, if you disagree with me, PLEASE tell me!
I just don’t think it works that way, though.
I did discover one thing, though, that I think helps explain why boys want to get married: they want to protect. Girls want to be protected and boys have this nature to protect. I don’t know how true this is, I don’t remember where it came from or why I thought of it, but I think it’s true. Just tonight I had a guy, Prince Eric, walk me back to my dorm. It was, like, midnight and my dorm was super far from the building we were leaving. So he walked me back. Though it’s probably because we’re friends, I wonder if that desire to protect played into it…
… I still don’t get why guys would ever want to get married or be in love.
I think I’m going to ask Prince Eric why tomorrow at lunch.
I’ll let you know how it goes.


Theater consumes your life.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Semi-Perfect Day

So. Today was just filled with smiles.
I walked out of my dorm and fell smack on my behind! And I was thankfully not hurt and was able to get right up and laugh it all off. :) It wasn’t terrible.
And then lunch was a crazy adventure of hangman and movie-planning and fun.
Then my test in Intro to Tech Theater went WAY better than expected!
And then I took a nap…
It was just one of those almost-perfect days.
And then I finished it off with and I think I like the second more. :)
So. That’s all for today.
<3 -Emi

Monday, January 24, 2011

Crazy Combo Post

I woke up to Narnia outside my dorm. But, sadly, I am not High Queen Emi so I was shoved back through the wardrobe into a reality where my boots are ripping and my feet get soaked when I walk through the slushy sidewalks. Go figure.
I did get a turtle in the mail, though. A cute, crocheted turtle. I have named him Ivan. 
Nothing is profound today so instead of something deep, you are getting my mini synopsis of this movie that Chiano, Alpie and I are making.
It’s based off of a piano piece that Chiano is practicing as of late. She invited Alpie and I to listen and we somehow came up with this whole story of a poor little girl who gets hanged at the end of the song. Quaint, right? Anyway. We videotaped Chiano playing while I threw out some random ideas for random pieces of the song. But it’s changing…
No longer is this a historic, small village tale of a little girl and an angry police officer/mafia dude but the tale of a frantic princess trying to save her poisoned father. Some sort of goblin and/or witch will have poisoned her father and offer her an “antidote.” It will eventually end with her father dying. Many of the finer details still need to be worked out.
But I think that this is just too short to be a sufficient blog post. So I will write about something else.
I just don’t know what to write about… Slacking.
I really shouldn’t slack this semester. Most of my classes are all textbook reading and stuff which is hard for me. Because I get distracted easily. Right now I should be studying for my Intro to Tech test tomorrow on lighting. Which just sounds RIVETING. :S Not my favorite aspect of tech. Anyway. I should stop slacking and get on that.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Getting to Know You

Let’s start this one with a song.
I know, right? Today, you’ll get to learn a little bit more about me.
Once upon a time, I was born at a very young age. I got a little older and decided that art was some fun stuff. I would write, dress up my American Girl dolls (I had one that looked like me that I named Rachel and Josephina), spent HOURS arranging and rearranging my American Girl Minis rooms… I guess that I’ve always been kind of an artistic soul. So life went on. In school, art classes were always my favorite. I spent my Senior year in high school taking 2-3 (or was it more) art classes per semester. When I got to college, I wanted to study art.
But things changed a bit in my first semester in college.
Amidst my 15 credit hours of general education classes, I somehow shifted my love from art to theater. Theater design, specifically. I think it was Earnest’s fault. You see, the fall play was The Importance of Being Earnest. I was attending not just for fun but because I was going to write a critique for my composition class. During the three acts, I paid close attention. I remember that Lady Bracknel, who is supposed to have a very large, loud presence, was dressed in a color far too similar to the set. She blended right in. I also remember this sort of awkward aqua blue during the outdoor second act that didn’t work quite right. (As of this time, I have asked the set designer who said that it was more of a mood choice rather than a sky choice. Which sort of makes sense but I wish that the aqua hadn’t been chosen. It just confused me.) And I remember the Kissing Chair. But I only remember that because I’m a massive dork. (If you don’t know what a kissing chair is, click the link ->
After voicing my opinions, a friend decided to plant the idea in my head that maybe I should do something with theater. And then it encompassed me.
So now I’m taking 3 theater classes and would like to declare a theater major. I just have to convince certain people that it wouldn’t be a dumb choice, first.
Anyway. I’m super thrilled to be having to buy plays and theater textbooks and the PEOPLE! OH! Theater majors are some of the fun-est, quirkiest, funniest, most entertaining people you can meet. And here they’re so nice! I helped out with costumes my first night. I handed out mens’ gloves and wrote their “owner’s” initials on pieces of tape and labeled them. The next day, quite a few guys recognized me around campus and waved and said hi.
I just love it.
So that’s a little bit more info so that you can get to know me. Hopefully, if someone out there actually reads this, I will get to know you as well. 

Saturday, January 22, 2011

LOTR, I Suppose

Lord of the Rings.
Yep. I’ve finally somehow given in to something and have watched the first one. I watched the extended edition over a course of two days. There are plans to watch the other two over the next two weekends.
Anyway. I can’t think of anything else to write about today (I’ve somehow decided that updating once a day is a goal…) I am going to give you my extensive list of things related and not related to LOTR.
First, I would totally be an elf. I wasn’t that impressed with Galadriel which is sad because she is supposed to be some Light Elf or something? I dunno. But me = light. I’ve got this kind of odd obsession with light, sunshine, etc. I didn’t think she was that pretty… Her hair was. And I liked her ring. But. I would totally be an elf. Rivendell… When God remakes the earth, I really hope He makes some sort of Rivendell. You know what? BRB. Mkay. Back. I went to go try and find a good Rivendell Wallpaper for my laptop. I found one but I need this guy to email me the file.
Second, I’m kind of traumatized from watching this film. I did watch it with two other people and apparently my comments affected them. One started hurting me when I would make comments and now they have decided that if/when we move to Middle Earth (not my decision, any of this) that one will marry Sam, the other will marry Frodo (because he has pretty eyes) and I will marry Gollum. What makes this worse is that in my Gen Psych class we just went over how people of similar attractiveness tend to get married. So I’m not sure if they’re calling me ugly in a subtle way what. But. Traumatized!
Third, I dunno. The movie was great, the costumes and scenery were gorgeous though the mountains made me homesick… “I want to see mountains again, Gandalf.” Some of the CGI or green screening or whatever was kind of badly/obviously done. But I’ll cut them some slack, I suppose.
Yeah. I’ve lost all drive to write. It’s 2:30 am, though. Don’t judge me.
Feel free to ask me questions.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Nightmares, Psychology, and Jami

A running joke, for lack of better classification, at my college is that you come to minor in Bible and major in marriage. And while not everyone who goes here gets their “ring before spring” and is at least engaged by graduation, many meet their mate. As I am now past my first semester and have fulfilled my goal of not dating during that time, a silly sort of franticness has set over me. Will I find “the one?” Will it be before senior year? Will it be before I’m 25? Does “the one” even exist? This last one haunts me the most. The fact that there may not be a soul on earth right now meant for me to share my life with…
Today in GenPsych we talked about what kind of people attract and get married. Similar “levels” of attractiveness, opposite personalities, etc. It sort of messed with my mind – should I be looking for someone who is as attractive/unattractive as me? And if so, do I go with my view of my attractiveness or what other people’s opinions are? Are they giving me their true opinions? Does the male population view me different than the female population that seems to assure me that I am pretty? And then what could I look for personality-wise? What is MY personality? How could someone’s differ from mine? Should I look for someone quiet since I seem to have grown rather outspoken in college or do I look for someone who can command a room because I’m still not very outgoing?
But this isn’t about my nightmares or psychology.
This is about Jami.
I know, right? I spend two lengthy paragraphs talking about boys and suddenly I’m talking about a girl. But you see, she’s not just any girl. She’s my best friend in the whole entire universe. And there’s something else: If one of us was male, we would totally get married. That may come off as creepy but I promise you that it’s not as weird as it sounds. We’ve talked about this. We just… I don’t even know what it is about her that makes us best friends or makes me love her so much (As a friend. We will never get married). But class today also made me remember this deep, great love for Jami and if I should look for someone like her to marry. Does that mean I’m throwing out the psychology? Does it alleviate some of my fear?
Thing is, I’m not sure.
So, for now, I have been advised by the beautiful Chiano to take my own advice and for now “Just Be.” And, given that I don’t have any other ideas, I’m gunna see how it works out for me. I guess I’ll post an update to this later.
P.S. A blog post without a perfect end?! GASP!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Just Be

So here’s my insight for today: Sometimes, you need to just BE.
Let me elaborate.
Life just sucks, sometimes. We set up all these things, we make all these plans and sometimes they just blow up in your face or turn around and reveal that they’re a black hole that sucks away all your money. I have a friend who had a black hole day today. She had managed to pass the test to test out of this class. So she went to the registrar’s office to get it all officialized and they told her that it would cost $450 (I think) per credit hour in order for it to be officialized. It’s a 3 credit class. That’s $1,350. College students just don’t have that kind of extra money. And something like that just smokes the rest of your day affecting every breath, every second, every fiber of your being. It’s not a fun time.
Tonight I got back to the dorm and she, smiling, told me she wanted to talk with me but to do this one assignment I had due at midnight first. So I did and went in to talk to her. This beautiful girl, bless her soul, is very good at masking her feelings (well… I think so, at least). She wanted to talk to me about it and stuff. So I sat there and talked with her. We didn’t have a dramatic cry-awkwardly-on-your-shoulder-while-I-awkwardly-pat-your-back time. We just talked. I sat there and talked to her like I always do and I made silly jokes about random things and misheard her and laughed at pretzels. I was myself; I wasn’t trying to be anything else. I didn’t have to try to do anything for her other than just… Be.
So, sometimes, in life… You just need to be there for someone. You shouldn’t shy away from it because it might be this whole awkward hoo-ha (my Intro to Theater Tech prof says “hoo-ha” a lot). You just need to accept that you are who you are and sometimes you are called to be in that awkward situation, but sometimes (or most of the times) you just need to BE there.
I hope I helped poke a little of my Emi-light into her life. And if I or you can do that for someone by just being… That’s a pretty fantastic impact for doing something as simple as being yourself.
“Don’t think, or judge. Just listen.”
Just Be.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Twilight in College

I’m a Twi-Hard. Make fun of me all you want, take all the shots, I don’t care. I love the books though I also love to make fun of them. But I try and keep up with the Twilight happenings. I only just recently got the chance to see Eclipse and I enjoyed it. Emmett’s response to Bella breaking her hand because she punched a werewolf… Definitely one of my favorite parts. But back on college campus, as I’m wandering around freaking out about do I double-major, do I major in TPC to make not only money but people happy, do I transfer to CCU to be closer to home and major in something they offer there… I thought back to the graduation speech in the movie given by Jessica. With my recent resolve to go on with my current semester and only worry about majors when class registration comes around again, I started to realize things. Things that Jessica says so well. I won’t post her speech here verbatim. I’ve edited out a couple words and added a few that I think help convey the tone she used when she delivered it.
“When we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Our answers were things like, astronauts, president... Or in my case, a princess. When we were ten, they asked again. We answered, a rock star, cowboy, or in my case, a gold medalist. But now that we're grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how about this. Who the heck knows? This isn't the time to make hard and fast decisions; this is a time to make mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere. Fall in love... A lot. Major in philosophy, because there's no possible way to make a career out of that. Change your mind, and change it again, because nothing's permanent. So, make as many mistakes as you can. That way, someday, when they ask what we want to be, we won't have to guess... we'll know.”
I’m starting to realize just how much comfort there is in those words. I’m only 18. I’ll be stuck with this major for the next fifty-some-odd years of my life. Why shouldn’t I be able to study one thing and then decide on another? Why can’t I take a couple years to choose random classes? Why can’t I? But… That question almost answers itself. Why can’t I? Well… Why can’t I not. Does that make sense? I’m feeling so restricted with the stress of double-majoring (which is made worse because theater becomes all-consuming of your life. If you have ever been in a play, you know what I mean.), the stress needing to make money, the stress of wanting to please people but also please myself and ultimately needing to please God… It’s a lot. But Jessica is so right in making mistakes, changing your mind… I’d rather spend two years soul-searching and then just know what I want to be than two years changing my major trying to please too many people.
So. While right now I’m reverting to my childhood dream of wanting to be an interior decorater (in the only way I can at this college), make-up artist, fashion designer, and (mostly) making people happy… I’d ask that I be free to make those choices, be they mistakes or a path towards a major that anyone thinks will dump me into a life as a waitress. It’s my life. My future is on my shoulders, not my grandmother’s or my father’s. I can only hope and pray that should God see fit to bless me with such a lovely major as Theater Design that he should also see fit to provide me with work there and to give patience and understanding to those who see it as a waste of a life.
For right now, though, I feel like the next right step is to do what I have decided; to not worry about a major until class registration rolls around again. I don’t want to say to myself “After a few decades, everyone you know will be dead. Problem Solved.” Maybe I’ll get to have Bella’s annoying monologue at the end of the movie (which I hate but paste here “This wasn't a choice between you and Jacob. It was between who I should be and who I am. I've always felt out of step. Like literally stumbling through my life. I've never felt normal, because I'm not normal, and I don't wanna be. I've had to face death and loss and pain in your world, but I've also never felt stronger, like more real, more myself, because it's my world too. It's where I belong.”) and decide who I should be according to God and how that falls into step with what other people want me to be.
Well, thanks for reading my ramblings. I hope that my love of Twilight can help you. Which is SO weird. But.
Thanks again,

P.S. The Fork’s high school colors in the movie are the same colors as my college; blue and yellow.